I AM SUPPOSED TO BE FINE NOW.. 0218

have you experienced loving someone and frankly told you that they dont like you back?..

have you tried TELLING SOMEONE how insensitive they are and answered you “it’s better to be insensitive than to SHOW YOU that I LOVE YOU BACK.”?

have you ever GIVE THE WORLD to someone who doesnt even know how to appreciate every thing you give?..

well, if the answers are “YES”. better stop lovin’ that person.

i am supposed to be OK now. i know i dont have anything to expect. i’m HIS friend. and I AM SUPPOSED TO BE FINE with that. everything’s normal. everything’s already in their normal places again, and I LOVE WHAT’S HAPPENIN.

but.. just right after I’VE FINALLY DECIDED TO FORGET WHAT I’M FEELING. i’ve fell asleep.. i’ve dreamed about him, and AGAIN.. the feeling was PRESENT. it really hurts. and i’m wonderin why am i dreamin about how he laughs, how he cried, how he walk, how he do everything. I HATE IT. i am hurtin’.. but this time, ONLY ME KNOWS. (ofcourse, unless you’ve read my blog. eto lang outlet ko e. eto lang yung hindi nagre-react.) i wasn’t able to tell my friends about what happened, sinabi ko na sa kanila na magmo-move on na ko. kasi i’m hurting like hell. they believed me. kawawa naman EGO ko, bugbog na bugbog na siya. di nya na nga alam kung pano pa sya lulusot sa mga promises na di ko nagagampanan. kawawa.

… i dunno what happened to my old self, umalis na sya. yung dating strong, naging weak. yung dating may sariling decision, naging dependent. yung dating nabubuhay kahit mag-isa, ngayon, di na kaya. yung dating NEVERBEENINLOVE, ayon.. INLAB NA INLAB. arggghhh!! kelan kaya sya babalik?.. OMG. im DYING. i cant go on in a day na di ko sya nakakasama..

oh yea. here’s another confession. last week, birthday ng friend namin. i am not planning to go near him. (pero, i did go near him. i cant help it. hinahatak ako ng sarili ko na lumapit sakanya.) but this time, lumabas pagiging STRAIGHT-FORWARD KO. eto sinabi ko.

Jmhie: alam mo, gusto ko na lumayo sayo e. pwede ba lumayo ka na lang?.. kasi, nahihirapan na ko e.

whoever: bakit?..

J: eh mahirap na nga sa pakiramdam. insensitive ka kasi. *i pushed him away*

W: *he pulled me back* wag mo na kasi ko mahalin, masasaktan ka lang.

J: ano bang alam mo sa nararamdaman ko?.. wala naman di ba?..

W: akala mo lang wala kong alam, pero alam ko lahat.

J: alam mo naman pala.. *in the corner of my mind: just let me LOVE you, im not expecting anything in return. swear!*

…madami pang nangyari, madami pang nasabi. pero, NAKALIMUTAN KO NA. KINALIMUTAN KO. kasi masakit. sobrang sakit.

i dunno where to start. i want to forget everything. pero, i want our friendship to stay. pano?.. wala akong idea. wala. pano makakalimutan?.. kung lagi kayong magkasama, sudden change naman ata kung bigla kong lalayo. ampanget. ang bitter ng dating. kapag kinaibigan ko naman girlfriend nya, amplastik ng dating. pero, i want to be her girl’s friend. sobrang gusto ko, pero mangyayari lang siguro yun pag WALA na talaga feelings ko.

anhirap na, sobrang hirap na hirap na ko. i’m always VOCAL about what i’m feeling, but AS I SAID, HE CHANGED ME ALOT. sino-solo ko na lang. hayyy.. mahal kita. gusto ko na nga banggitin pangalan mo e, pero.. ayaw kitang mapahiya. i know i’m not the girlfriend type. tropa lang talaga ko pwede. taken naman ako. pero, ikaw nasa isip ko. hayy.. :((

i am SUPPOSED to be FINE now. pero pano?.. i cant LIVE without your presence.
ily,gbu.